Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
You Might Also Like
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.