I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
A game married people play.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
🤣✨#caturday
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
black phone good
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!