Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
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Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
You better watch out
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
what does he know…
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.