My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
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i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Are we there yet?…
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Ok who’s got my black socks?
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..