All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now