Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
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Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Classic German Shepherd 😂
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.