12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
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Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight