*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
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[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!