*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
pizza
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
? 💀
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Mornin
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her: