Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
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For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.