[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
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you gotta be faster
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
just witnessed a drug deal
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Brilliant!
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Realize this:
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Does beer think about me too?