If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
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I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
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It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here