Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
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interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Me :
All Day At Night
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.