this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
You Might Also Like
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
If you are reading this then you are reading this
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday