coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
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“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
everyone’s a critic
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I have obtained a hat
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now