Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
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*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.