We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
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My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
i spent way too long on this
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
These work great until they don’t.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months