Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
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Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll