Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
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I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
when you order from DoorDastardly
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no