Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
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I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
necessity is the mother of invention
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets