why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
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Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.