The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
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[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story