Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
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Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store