“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
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COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*