Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
You Might Also Like
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.