A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
You Might Also Like
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong