me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
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Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice