When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
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[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.