Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
it must be school picture day
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos