Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
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If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.