COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
You Might Also Like
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Noah
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I ate everything, including the H.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool