I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.