I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
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Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
*lint rolls you awake*
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I put the h in mysterious.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.