[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
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that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
President The Rock Obama
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks