In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
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Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Ah yes. The three genders
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet