[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
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Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.