Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
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[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
what
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.