How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
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I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.