Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
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I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
What the dentist sees
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
🤣
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork