the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
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Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
i smell a pulitzer
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
The three genders
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.