I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
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3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?