Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
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*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this