interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
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Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked