met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
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R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
So true for me
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.