My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
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My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
cry laughing at this shit
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.