So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
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crochet youtube is brutal
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.