“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
this is uni
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”