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My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
God has left this place
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.