INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
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Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.