Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
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*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Holy moly
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Jogging
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery